Nausea, Mnemosyne

I feel like throwing up.
I don't mean, "I'd like to stick my finger in my mouth and tickle my pharynx until I stimulate my gag reflex." No, I don't mean that at all. My stomach is actually churning. I almost threw up several times in the last few days, but I can never manage to let anything out. This could be symbolic. It's me instinctively holding back all the acid, making myself swallow any piece of crap I put in my mouth. It's a sort of self-punishment and self-discipline.
It feels terrible, and it's probably not good for me, but even when I try to throw up, I can't do it. It'd make my mouth feel so unpleasant. I'd rather suffer and squirm in the depths of my gut. My mouth is too close to the surface, too close to the real world, too close to everything else outside to open up and let everything out.

But it's never a conscious decision to swallow the hydrochloric acid, force it back down. I don't remember, actually, what it's like to be completely, utterly overcome by the need to vomit. The last time that happened was maybe 3rd grade.

I'd like for that to happen again. All my rational functions would cease, my physiological instincts would take over--then there would be a big fluid plop on the floor, dripping and choking and chunky--but, alas. Not anymore. Any instance of the acid creeping up my throat and, flip, goes my epiglottis, and slip, the first bits of chyme slide back down the esophagus. And they plop onto the floor of my stomach.

It makes me feel sick, partly because it leaves me nauseous, and partly because I realize that I can't force myself to let go. It's a little obsessive-compulsive, actually, and that scares me.

Sometimes I feel like my neuroses might take over and win, and my little self will be swallowed up by overbearing needs and uncontrollable drives to do this or that Extremely Unimportant Thing. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself to unconscious violence, to repression and depression, to headaches and backaches and neckaches.

Hopefully, as all the other times, I'll just get through this.
I'll know better this time though. Instead of using stupid coping strategies--like going half-crazy--I'll actually deal with my problems at face-value and realize that I'm only human.

I am only human.
That sentence imposes/leaves/fills me with a simultaneous fright and calm.

NOTE: I apologize for revealing the depth of my existentialist crises to all of you. I'm just posting what I've written, and the beginning of the post seemed like it needed posting.