Dysfunctional

Reading about dysfunctional families, I discovered a list of "symptomatic characteristics" of the codependently fucked-up people in or from problematic families.
They are listed below. Red bullets are the ones I identify with, emphasized by bolded phrases.

- difficulty in accurately identifying and expressing feelings
- problems in forming and maintaining close, intimate relationships
- higher than normal prevalence of marrying a person from another dysfunctional family or a person with active alcoholism or addiction
- perfectionism, having unrealistic expectation of self and others, and being too hard on oneself
- rigidity in behavior and attitudes, having an unwillingness to change
- having a resistance to adapting to change, and fearful of taking risks
- feeling over-identified or responsible for others' feelings or behavior
- having a constant need for approval or attention from others to feel good about themselves
- awkwardness in making decisions, feel terrified of making mistakes, and may defer decision-making to others
- feeling powerless and ineffective, like whatever they do does not make a difference
- exaggerated feelings of shame and worthlessness, and low self-esteem
- avoiding conflict at any price, and will often repress their own feelings and opinions to keep the peace
- apprehension over abandonment by others
- acting belligerently and aggressively to keep others at a distance
- tendencies to be impatient and over-controlling
- failure to properly take care of themselves because of their absorption in the needs and concerns of other people, and acting like martyrs, living for others instead of for oneself
- dread of the expression of their own anger, and will do anything to avoid provoking another person. The particular expression of these codependent traits by each individual is often a function of the type of family in which a child grows up.

I know this is hopelessly boring to all of you. But I have more quotes.

'Another symptom of stress disorder is psychic numbing, which Dr. Cermak describes as suspending feelings in favor of taking steps to ensure personal safety, or splitting between one's self and experience—disconnecting from feelings in order to survive.
Survivors of trauma also experience hyper-vigilance, an inability to feel comfortable unless they are continually monitoring their environment. Cermak relates they "remained on edge, always expecting the worst, unable to trust or feel safe again."
Finally, survivors of trauma, veterans of a war or children from chemically dependent families, feel survivor guilt. "Whenever they experience the fullness that life has to offer, they immediately feel as if they are betraying those who never had the chance. It seems somehow wrong to go away and be healthy when those that are left behind are still suffering.'

I guess there's some hope somewhere. It just takes time.
It's like I was born with a handicap that I have to resolve.