1. My father, whom I do not understand. Who cares about me but seems to dismiss everything in my life I consider important (my interests, my love, my aspirations). Who calls, awkwardly spits out a forced sentence, and decides to hang up after several long seconds of silence.
Our relationship is so much silence.
Whose distant behavior now is better than his former anger. I think.
2. My love. Who understands me deeply and accepts it all, with the exception of my bizarre relationship to myself. Who treats me like I deserve something good from this world. (A welcome change.)
Who enjoys life with me, shares life with me, and nourishes the life within me.
Who is part of me.
3. My substitute father, teacher. Who encouraged me in every way to pursue, to use, and to demonstrate my worth and intelligence. Who seems to compliment me every time I see him. Who wants me to succeed, and shows it.
Who sexually assaulted another student. Who put her in a position that I have experienced, loathed, and cried over. Who clearly was not as happy as I believed. Whose glow and charisma and life ran into a wall.
Who, despite seemingly inhuman feats, is wholly human and alive.
4. A best friend, who lives to work. Who forgets everyone and everything when his life comes crashing down. Who is bad at empathy, but great at sympathy. Who accepts and confronts darknesses with admirable verve.
Who, most importantly, keeps me company when I feel strikingly, heart-sinkingly alone.
And this makes our relationship worth it.
5. Another best friend, who does not know it. Who still fails at happiness but succeeds at finding joy in small doses and details. Who listens to the harrowing details of my emotional life, nods, feels awkward, and moves on.
And respects this later, without fully understanding.
Who allows me to be fully myself, vulgar, ridiculous, and interested.
This list turned out to be longer than expected. This makes me grateful.
Our relationship is so much silence.
Whose distant behavior now is better than his former anger. I think.
2. My love. Who understands me deeply and accepts it all, with the exception of my bizarre relationship to myself. Who treats me like I deserve something good from this world. (A welcome change.)
Who enjoys life with me, shares life with me, and nourishes the life within me.
Who is part of me.
3. My substitute father, teacher. Who encouraged me in every way to pursue, to use, and to demonstrate my worth and intelligence. Who seems to compliment me every time I see him. Who wants me to succeed, and shows it.
Who sexually assaulted another student. Who put her in a position that I have experienced, loathed, and cried over. Who clearly was not as happy as I believed. Whose glow and charisma and life ran into a wall.
Who, despite seemingly inhuman feats, is wholly human and alive.
4. A best friend, who lives to work. Who forgets everyone and everything when his life comes crashing down. Who is bad at empathy, but great at sympathy. Who accepts and confronts darknesses with admirable verve.
Who, most importantly, keeps me company when I feel strikingly, heart-sinkingly alone.
And this makes our relationship worth it.
5. Another best friend, who does not know it. Who still fails at happiness but succeeds at finding joy in small doses and details. Who listens to the harrowing details of my emotional life, nods, feels awkward, and moves on.
And respects this later, without fully understanding.
Who allows me to be fully myself, vulgar, ridiculous, and interested.
This list turned out to be longer than expected. This makes me grateful.
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